My stomach had been sinking watching social media once again morph into a digital Thunderdome these past few weeks.
But then I started to notice something kind of heartening…
The odd brave soul showing up to the discussion actually wanting to discuss.
Someone who clearly knew their stuff posting:
“This is what I think, but if there’s something I’m missing, please let me know.”
Another person willing to admit they were in the question mark:
“There’s a lot here to unpack. I don’t know the solution, but I’m trying to get educated.”
And a compassionate being asking someone with a very strong, rigid opinion:
“What about this is the most painful for you — and why?”
THIS.
Yes. This is what we need more of right now.
And what do we need less of?
That good ol’ black-and-white thinking… good/evil, masculine/feminine, smart/stupid, superior/inferior, right/wrong.
Ah yes… I can practically hear you yelling at your screen:
“But why, then, did the universe make righteous certainty feel so damn GOOD?!”
Listen. I get it. The sweet seductiveness of being right is real.
But if we actually care about building a better world, we can’t afford to be tempted by delicious certainty.
But if we actually care about building a better world (like I know you do), we might need to tape this to our foreheads…
Here’s the thing: true societal progress requires deeper connections, better understandings, and more compassion. And nothing blocks those faster than binary thinking.
When we get locked into a rigid stance, we become so obsessed with proving our point and defending our position that there’s no energy left for curiousity and growth.
Black-and-white thinking is death to nuance. And nuance is where aliveness lives. It’s where love lives. A compassionate world can’t be built on polarization.
Now, I’m not suggesting you abandon your values and become some kind of neutrality noodle, gently bobbing in a lukewarm soup of “whatever.” What kind of changemakers would we be if we couldn’t even discern what actually needs changing?
We absolutely should hold values we’re willing to stand for—deeply and boldly. But conviction forged through exploration and questioning is far more powerful and constructive (and far less dangerous) than certainty born of fear and a closed mind.
So the next time you find yourself digging in, tensing up, and feeling very, very right — PAUSE.
Try going through these questions:
- What am I REALLY trying to protect?
- What might the “other side” be trying to protect (really)?
- What am I so afraid of feeling that I need to lock my opinion down like Fort Knox?
- Is there any complexity I’m flattening right now?
- Is it possible to hold more than one truth at the same time?
- Are there any commonalities between us? (ie. Do we both value fairness? Are we both trying to take care of our families? Are we both exhausted by this conflict? )
- If I wasn’t trying to win, is there something it would be good to try to understand?
- What kind of world am I building with this stance?
I try to ask myself these questions around my firmly held beliefs from time-to-time. Often, this doesn’t significantly change these beliefs, but it allows me to get clearer about them, refine them, and become more strategic in acting on them. It forges these convictions anew over and over again, so instead of becoming calcified, they stay alive and glistening.
We don’t change the world by being louder versions of our fear.
We change it by being braver versions of our love.
Hugs, Kimberly
